gravitoturbulence

As you know, there is a currently a worldwide shortage of WHITE SPACE and typing letters. So today, I will be showing you how to make the most of your limited keyboard resources and be an upstanding citizen in these turbulent times.

Today’s lecture will include such priceless knowledge as how to make a seven-letter word do service for an entire phrase of 19 syllables (example, for: “this age in which we live, turbulently, is ruled by tiny tyrannical toddlers”; substitute the 2-syllable word: “fuckers”) as well as ways of maximising the total number of CAPITAL LETTERS & diacritic symbols you do have in storage. See the excellent use I just made of my limited CAPS? And d̐i̊ȃc̯r̐ï̑t̰ïc̭s̲̲̃? Take notes.
(also there’s this
you are welcome)

Firstly, I would point out that the word “firstly” can easily be shortened to 1stly, thus saving you two whole keystrokes.

And here’s a trick for new players (btw “tip” can replace “trick” without any loss of amenity or life. See? You’re getting big bang for your bucks right there but back to my tip): numbers below ten can in fact be written in numerical symbols, even in this era of creepifyingly random microturbulence, regardless of what those lazy fools at yr low-rent school taught you. Look at this: 1, 2, 9, 5, 3, 7. See? I broke a grammar rule and absolutely nothing happened except the annoying red squiggle of my Autocorrect*¹ which I sensibly choose to ignore. The grammarists can bellow all they like but I know their secret, they don’t really give a fuck, it’s all show. Shows you up, Mrs. Fullerton-my-grade-7-nazi-*²-I-mean-teacher who was of course a fine upstanding citizen and loyal to her nation*³ despite the turbulence of the era.

Here’s another: you do not have to put a period after Mrs. You really don’t. Nor Mr. neither, nor Ms. It’s perfectly safe and even hygienic to drop them, we’ll still know what you mean.

Okay if you’re ready, let’s proceed. We’ll open with punctuation. Now, many of you, I know, are still on Twitter despite the macro-, micro- and gravito-turbulence of the days within which we live i.e: the reign of the NepoBaby God-Emperor mister melon husk (or as we here at the Movement for the Protection of Innocent Keystrokes like to call him, Dud*⁴). On Twitter, one is required to limit one’s use of characters so as not to waste space and cut into Mister Mask’s closely-guarded letter supply. As it happens, I know a way that could save you thousands of character spaces at the flick of a wrist, thus firming your commitment to letter reduction wot is only fine and patriotic.

The secret is this: an em-dash*⁵ can connect 2 phrases with a single key. No need for that messy and wasteful habit you have of typing something like: “To hell with this writer/essayist/all-around-Goodtime-Gal, she knows less than nothing about modern grammatical usage: nada, zip, doodly-squat.”

You could, with the advantages my course gives you, write instead: “To hell with this writer/essayist/all-around-Goodtime-Gal—she knows less than nothing about modern grammatical usage—nada, zip, doodly squat.” In doing so, you have instantly transformed a 144 -character sentence into a 142-character sentence. Just like that. With no ramifications. No fines, no disapproving side-eye, no being duct-taped to chairs by Grammar Nazis Police.

See how easy it is once you get the hang?

You could also write something like: “This writer/essayist/all-around-Goodtime-Gal she be a fine upstanding citizen wot orter be encouraged, I desire to cross her palm with silver via the Buy Me A Coffee Tip Jar top right above”; it’s entirely up to you of course, but that is only 179 characters Hashtag Just Sayin’. (Receipts available for tax purposes.)

That concludes Lesson The First. To get anymore yr gunna hafta pay— tip jar top right don’t forget your waitstaff they have Landbastards too u know. Imma sign off by saying that I, for one, had fun; and that’s all that matters. I’m just sorry I can’t do more without payment but a girl’s gotta eat. also, I rent, thus I too have a Landbastard to placate otherwise I totally would, I see it as my patriotic duty. During these times. Which are turbulent.

I regret I have but 10 fingers to give for my cuntry.

*¹ Hey has anyone else noticed that Autocorrect automatically corrects the word Autocorrect? Well, tries to? Mine has a red squiggle beneath it no matter how I spell it. Try it. Fascinating. Rilly rilly dumb seeing’s it’s already spelt right and they only correct it to itself. But fascinating.

*² it aint safe to say nazis too often you’ll get visits from all manner of riff-raff and before you know it, ASIO and Five Eyes will be following your blog, hello boys, how’s the temperature in there? Excited at the prospect of escalation in the Middle East? Salivating at the very thought? Go take a cold shower, you’re spreading warhawk slime all over my nice clean white space. Also, you’re fuckers, nobody likes you. Go.)

*³ our libel lawyers made me say that she totes wasn’t

*⁴ or fucker. Your call.

*⁵ NOTE: em-dash not en-dash an em-dash looks like this — and an en-dash doesn’t.
Would you like a drink? You have a couple more paragraphs to go then you’re safely outa here. We have vodka. ?

EXTRA BITS FOR THOSE WHO’VE PAID OR THOUGHT ABOUT PAYING BUT HAVEN’T DONE IT YET BC THEY’VE GIVEN ALL THEIR HARD-EARNED TO LANDBASTARDS

____________________________________________________

In case you are not utterly disgusted by this word yet, here are some cupcakes from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/turbulent

• gravoturbulent
• macroturbulent
• microturbulent
• nonturbulent
• turbulent flow
• turbulently

Related terms[edit]

• disturb
• perturb
• trouble
• turbid
• turbine
• turbulence

Etymology[edit]

From Middle Dutch turbulent,
from Middle French turbulent,
from Old French turbulent,
from Latin turbulentus. so you can see they really got busy changing the word as they progressed from language to language didn’t they? Lucky we caught it in its current form you never know what it might evolve into next. My money is on “turbulent” but I voted for Betamax what would I know? Back to Merriam. In pink, because reasons:

Did you know?

Some people lead turbulent lives*, and some are constantly in the grip of turbulent emotions**. The late 1960s are remembered as turbulent years of social revolution in America and Europe***. Often the captain of an airplane will warn passengers to fasten their seatbelts because of upper-air turbulence*****, which can make for a bumpy ride. El Niño, a seasonal current of warm water in the Pacific Ocean, may create turbulence***** in the winds across the United States, affecting patterns of rainfall and temperature as well.*

*me

**also me

***and, Australia

i ran out of asterisks here, you’re on your own

*not that we believe them for a nanosecond, any fule kno they are just ducking and weaving to avoid being shot down over North Korean air space

*and heat

*DO NOT MENTION THE CLIMATE CHANGE. They’ll sic Five Eyes onto you. They are fully capable of it.

LANDBASTARD

Landbastard

Noun: Singular; Plural: REAgency; Mass Noun: Bunchapricksgetawayfrommydolecheque

DEFINITION:

* A usually greenish film on the surface of stagnant water, consisting of a mass of algae and fish shit oh wait that’s pond scum

* A diabolical and disgusting parasite. Parasites are sly, using the cleverest of ploys to stay alive while destroying almost everything in their tracks. Parasites have no mercy. Some devour the insides of their hosts. Another replaces the victim’s tongue with its own nope, that’s Cymothoa exigua, the tongue-eating fish louse gimme a minute

* Spread via contagious tumour cells that escaped from their original body, these cells now travel around the world as parasites, draining nutrients from their hosts. Often to be found on the Amalfi Coast during the southern hemisphere winter; or Vail, for the snow. This affliction, known as canine transmissible venereal tumour or CTVT, is spread through sex and lickin.….. oooh they do what now? Yikes. I’m not going to tell you what that one is I don’t want to be responsible for you puking up your coco pops. If you need an emetic, you can copy and google search because that’s a direct quote from livescience.com don’t say I didn’t warn you.

* in a bizarre death sentence, this fungus turns carpenter ants i.e. the proletariat into the walking dead. The fungus prefers places where temperature & humidity are ideal for the it to grow and reproduce baby landbastards and infect more victims via its devilish landbastardry. The parasite gets the proletariat to die hanging upside down from the mould-infested ceiling they should have fixed ten tenants ago, and then erupts a long stalk from their heads with which it sprinkle its spores to other proletariats*. It’s a charmer. It’s really Ophiocordyceps unilateralis but we’ve all hung upside down from the ceiling in mouldy share houses at some point in our lives whilst the parasite class feeds from our limpid corpses so I think we can all relate.

* Vermin. Close enough.

While you’re here, did you know that Power Thesaurus dot com lists “proletariat” as a synonym of “scum”? Shows what side of the landbastard line they’re writing from. I’m not going to dignify that mess with a hyperlink.

Aight that’s enough sciencey shit from me today, thanks for coming I’m here till thursday don’t forget to tip your waitstaff they have landbastards too you know.

Exeunt, chased by bear-enslaving landbastards.

_____________________________________________

* I know it should say proletarians there rather than proletariats shut up, you’ll ruin the joke

WHITE SPACE

1

1

1

1

1

1

1

1

What a sad, sorry, senseless, waste of White Space.

PLIK

On the island of Haiti, there is a village called Plik. 

When the U.S. president, Evil Homer, recently spoke dispagagingly of Haiti, word travelled to the village of Plik rapidly.

“He’s an evil version of Homer Simpson,” they cried. “Something must be done.

Some demanded an apology. Others just wanted a lock of his hair.

They must have obtained it, because before too long, President Evil Homer was beginning to show the effects of some terrible magic: his speech became repetitive, illogical, and disorganised, he started forgetting important things like which nations were allies and which enemies, he began firing anyone who failed to flatter him fulsomely enough, and soon he was trying to date his own daughter.

It became clear to everyone that the poor orange man was losing what few marbles he had to begin with.

Eventually, the voodoo took full effect, and the President went dancing naked through the streets whistling Dixie and sticking sprigs of straw in his hair. This was too much, even for a White House peopled by sychophantic kindergartners. They arranged for him to be taken away by some nice young men in clean white coats.

And the villagers of Plik who had criticised the presidency took credit.

Tours were organised, from the USA to Haiti, to shake their hands. There was much rejoicing throughout both lands.

Many said the Plik villagers were heroes.

Others, however, shook their heads sadly and said:

“It’s nothing more than critical Plikners gone mad.”

********************************

Thank you. I’ll see myself out.