Okay so, here is the first of many witty and erudite pieces [Editor: we’ll see] I plan to write about the footy this year. There will be weekly round updates [Ed: there won’t. She’ll see something sparkly in the distance and forget] until the Grand Final which I will not write about because either the Swans or Carlton will win it, thus necessitating sober appreciation of the kind that requires a week in bed on an anti-hangover i/v drip to recover from.
I’m starting late for a very good reason [Ed: yeah, nah, she forgot]. Because the AFL in their infinite wisdom decided to add a kind-of round to the pointy end of the season thus throwing footy tipping comps across the country into a state of utter confusion. Well, mine anyway. I commend the AFL on their no-doubt commendable decision and wish them the future they so richly deserve: a hell in which they are eternally cornered in a dry bar by MCG Members who need to tell them about their divorce. But in response, I have stubbornly refused to begin MY season at the God-appointed time either. Also, I forgot. Shut up, Ed.
Let’s start with Carlton. I said last year that they have done a deal with cardiologists across the country and their latest 2 results confirm this. That makes it six wins in a row that the Blues have won by a single kick, many in the dying minute of the game. My brother, who was born Navy Blue (somewhat distressingly for both parents who were Bulldogs supporters) has had his cardiologist on speed dial since the second half of last season. Very wise of him. He has needed it several times: last year’s Semi v the Dees and twice already this season. I’m very fond of my brother but I don’t hold out much hope of him surviving the season, and if Carlton get into the Grand Final and it’s against Collingwood I plan to kidnap him and keep him locked in a box for the entire game. It’s only sisterly.
The Swans, who are famous for doing the same heart-damaging shit to their supporters in the past (remember Kenny? He was only 33) have seen the error of their ways and are now winning games before the end of the first half. I thank them for that. It was getting harder and harder to find a doctor who would prescribe Valium, and you had to lie about why (one of the disadvantages of not living in Melbourne, doctors there would understand).
Swans are looking more and more like a young team who knows what it’s doing, and Luke Parker, Callum Mills, Taylor Adams and others are yet to come into the side after injury, so the Swans are looking like real contenders again, and I will re-join the bandwagon after having jumped ship last year to the Blues. Call me a traitor (my brother does) but I grew up barracking for Carlton and there’s something about the sight of the Blues playing first-rate football that brings out the 10-y-o in me. We grew up in South Melbourne so Swans were always my second team, and when they moved to Sydney the same year I did, I reversed the order. They were so pathetic and lonely in those early days, couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag with the instructions written on the inside, so I felt I had to get behind them and look where that’s taken them… Two Premierships and finals contenders in more seasons than not. They couldn’t have done it without me, I take all the credit. You’re welcome, Horse.
Watching Collingwood play like a bunch of small wet girls has been most enjoyable, and if you forgive the outrageous sexism you will agree when I tell you that Ash Johnson, one of the Pies’ only Indigenous players, was harassed so badly online BY THEIR OWN FANS after their loss to the Swans that he shut down all his social media. All of them. Good onya Collingwood. What, having a convicted paedophile as head of your cheer squad wasn’t low enough for you? Plenty of players were appalling in that game, Brody Mihocek and Darcy Moore for example but they are… hmm, I don’t know, different to Ash in a way I can’t qwhite put my finger on.
The rest of Round 1 went pretty much as expected so won’t pull anything out except to say the highlight had to be when the ball mid air HIT THE CAMERA DRONE I kid you not, in the Swans Woods game. The umpire didn’t see it and called play on, but plenty of players and all the crowd saw it which raises the question: is that damn thing allowed to swoop too low? (correct answer: yes). The next question of course is will the AFL do anything about it to which the answer would be no, I mean, when have they ever favoured the game or player welfare above TV rights? Correct answer: never. The AFL is a dinosaur old boys’ club and… and I say this with love… I can’t wait to see them all die.
I won’t give a game-by-game analysis this round because reasons (Ed: she’s too lazy) (KT: who is this Ed and what’s he doing in my column, get orf, I’ll sic the dogs onto ya) but may with other rounds if I have anything interesting to say (Ed: or if she remembers) (KT: Brutus! Devil! EdKiller! here boys, sic!) column trails off in a mess of bloodshed, dogbarking and piteous squeals from my erstwhile editor………
btw: can anyone tell me how to set my WordPress so the Thumbnail image doesn’t double up on the first post image? There’s a beer in it for you.
Quaerentem 